Have you been told “You’re crazy” lately? Starting to think that you are losing your mind? Doubting your sense of reality? This is exactly what crazy-making means and it occurs in narcissistic and dysfunctional abusive relationships. You are not weak, you know you are not “making things up”. If you have someone making you doubt your reality, you are not alone. Whilst many think it is only in intimate emotional relationships, it can also occur in dysfunctional families. It is a very cruel and dangerous form of psychological abuse.
What Is Crazy Making?
In this blog, we will discuss and identify the patterns of manipulation used by narcissists and toxic people to make you doubt your own sanity.
I experienced this firsthand from my own family. As the scapegoat, the dumping ground for family trauma, from people who lie and re-story the truth to suit a narrative. It is a nasty, nasty form of manipulation. I first heard the term when I had to break out of “the family” and seek help. I had been so manipulated, gaslit, lied to and lied about that I thought maybe they are right, maybe I am crazy. Knowing I could not trust them, I went to a counsellor and described what I was experiencing. I told her “If I am crazy, please just tell me what I should do. If you want me to take a pill or lock me up, I’m ready. I cannot take any more of this.”
Not only did this counsellor not doubt me, but she described to me the concept of “crazy making”, a deeply unsettling form of psychological manipulation often used by narcissists and emotionally abusive individuals to distort a person’s reality. It is cruel. It is damaging. It is heart-breaking. This manipulation causes confusion, self-doubt, and emotional exhaustion, leaving you to doubt your reality, unsure of what is real and what is fabricated. Unable to trust yourself, nor anyone else.
This is a tactic frequently seen in toxic relationships, designed to destabilise a person’s mental state and erode their confidence in their own perceptions. By recognising these patterns, you can begin to reclaim your reality and establish personal boundaries to protect yourself from this evil form of abuse.
How Crazy Making Works
Crazy making isn’t one behaviour. It is a pattern of manipulation. Here are the most common tactics used by narcissists and the abusers in your life:
1. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a core technique in crazy making. It involves denying facts, rewriting events, and making you, the victim, question your memory and your sanity. Phrases like “You’re overreacting” to physical violence, or “That never happened” when holding people accountable, are classic examples of my own experiences at the hands of my “loved ones”. This could be your family, it could be your spouse, your partner, your love interest, or your friend.
2. Contradictory Statements
Manipulators regularly change their story or contradict themselves. This inconsistency creates confusion and encourages you to second-guess your reality. I witnessed this in my own family, my mother and my siblings. They made one fatal mistake that brought them all undone – they didn’t compare notes and agree on the same story. It was clear they were deflecting and scapegoating me, and nobody cared what it did to me.
3. Shifting the Blame
Next, narcissists and toxic families refuse to take any responsibility for the state of the relationship. Rather than taking responsibility, the manipulator/s shifts the blame onto you. You get to be the dumping ground for their behaviour. They deflect and deny that they deliberately trigger you, and set you up to knock down. Over time, this leads to guilt and shame, fear and self-doubt. Your reality is denied.
4. Projection
This is a favourite tool for abusers, especially narcissists, who cannot own their behaviour. Projection involves accusing you of the behaviours of the manipulator. Unable to face themselves, they project their abusive natures onto you; projecting their fear and insecurity at seeing themselves for who they have chosen to be to you. This behaviour is a clear admission of guilt, of their dishonesty or infidelity. This further undermines your ability to trust yourself.
5. Emotional Manipulation
I used to say that my family “slap me down with one hand, and pick me up with the other”. By alternating between affection and cruelty, abusers create an emotional rollercoaster that leaves you feeling unbalanced and desperate for validation. You won’t get it from them. This can cause you to fight, flee, fawn or freeze – typical fight or flight behaviours of those traumatised by the people they love. I did all of that at various times. It shocks you. It confuses you. It causes you to emotionally shut down and erodes your sense of self. They just love to trigger you to react, to explode, or be silent – either way, it doesn’t matter to them, as long as they do not have to deal with their shame.
6. Silent Treatment and Withholding Affection
Have no doubt, when they are ignoring you or withdrawing affection it is used as a form of punishment and control. This creates emotional dependency and reinforces power imbalances. You may find yourself being codependent, fawning, and even apologising for your reactions to their covert abuse. Stonewalling, ghosting, isolating – call it what you will. It is no mistake, and yes, it is part of the abuse and the control. It is meant to hurt you. It tells you that you do not matter.
Read more on emotional abuse via The National Domestic Violence Hotline.
The Psychological Effects of Crazy Making
Long-term and repeated exposure to these tactics will seriously impact mental and emotional health with devastating results:
- Chronic Stress & Anxiety: Constant manipulation leads to mental tension and physiological symptoms.
- Depression: Feelings of hopelessness and low self-worth are common outcomes.
- Cognitive Dissonance: Victims struggle to reconcile contradictory behaviour, causing mental fatigue.
- Loss of Self-Trust: Manipulation undermines confidence in your judgement.
- PTSD & C-PTSD: Long-term emotional abuse may result in trauma-related disorders.
Verywell Mind: Understanding Complex PTSD
How to Recognise and Protect Yourself from Crazy Making
Awareness is the first step to freedom. When I became aware that this was a reality, so many things clicked into place. If you suspect you’re being manipulated, made out to be “crazy”, and stonewalled and silenced if you speak out, here’s how to protect yourself:
Trust Your Gut
Listen to your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is. Keep a journal of conversations and events to help maintain clarity. Typical of narcissists and toxic people, they will deny it all, even with evidence. They will claim you are lying, you “act” like a victim when in fact, you are being victimised – big difference!
Set Strong Boundaries
Learn about boundaries. Learn to choose what you value and what you are willing to tolerate or not. Clearly define what behaviour is unacceptable and enforce those boundaries consistently, without apology, without guilt. Boundaries are to protect yourself, not to punish others. I set strong boundaries on physical violence. I warned my birth family, “If the violence and abuse doesn’t stop, I will leave and never come back.” That was 25 years ago. They haven’t changed. I have. Boundaries are essential.
Limit Contact
If the crazy making continues, and is then shared amongst others to use as tactics to reduce your credibility, cut ties and move on as best as you can, as soon as possible. Reducing interactions with those who would use these tactics to silence you and confuse you is self-care and self-respect. Refusal to be drawn into their lies and gaslighting is self-preservation. Avoid debating them. See their actions as deliberately trying to trigger you into a rage, tears, or both! This satisfies them and in their mind, proves them right – you are crazy! You will undoubtedly see their smirk of contempt when they achieve this. Instead, have ready some positive reinforcing statements. Borrow some of mine if you like: “I am an intelligent and reasonable person. I will not tolerate you narrating my life to me. I know my reality. The abuse stops with me.” Speak your truth without apology.
Build a Support Network
Seeking help is not weak, it is a superpower that will reinforce your strength and validate your reality. If you have trusted friends who know what’s going on, seek solace in them. Getting a counsellor or psychologist who understands this behaviour is a lifesaver for your sanity. Validation from such people will ground your reality. You will find the courage to do what is best for you when you have a support network outside of the narcissistic dynamics that enforce control via “crazy making”.
Visit 1800RESPECT for counselling and support services in Australia.
Practice Regular Self-Care
Self-care is self-love. It is important to engage in activities that nurture you. You may find help in practising mindfulness, yoga, journaling, or spending time in nature. A massage, a detox, ensuring you care for your body, mind and soul. I find being in water is a great way to dissolve the tension that you hold in your body.
Educate Yourself
Learning about narcissistic abuse and emotional manipulation arms you with the tools to recognise unhealthy patterns. Read, watch, and follow trusted sources for validation and empowerment. Do not under any circumstances allow yourself to play the fool any longer. There is such a thing as crazy-making. It is a vicious nasty tool used by weak people that you once trusted. Seeking help and knowledge has been key to my sanity, validation, and healing. May it be yours too.
Explore mental health resources at Beyond Blue
Final Thoughts
Crazy making is not a simple disagreement. It is a deliberate, targeted strategy to undermine and control you. To break and dismiss you if you dare speak your truth. If you’re experiencing these tactics, know that you are not alone, and it is not your fault. It is not okay. It is cruel.
By learning to identify the tools of narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships; by setting firm boundaries, and seeking support, you can regain control over your mental and emotional wellbeing. You deserve clarity, respect, and healthy relationships built on honesty and mutual care.
✨ Remember: You are not imagining things. Trust yourself. Seek support. Heal at your own pace. Please disconnect from those who abuse you. Do it sooner, rather than later. You are stronger than you know.